


Feet on the ground, our head in the stars

by Stria (Asia117)



Series: Butterfly effect. [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: (that is a trigger warning!), (there's talks of both), Chatlogs, Coming Out, Eating Disorders, F/F, Femslash February, Fix-It, Fluff, Personal Growth, Pining, Politics, Queer Themes, Retelling, Self-Acceptance, Self-Indulgent, Slow Burn, Texting, eskild has the best gaydar ever, eva calls noora 'nooramor', spanish elements, up to a certain point anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-02-03
Packaged: 2018-09-21 19:07:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9562499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asia117/pseuds/Stria
Summary: And Noora thinks about backing up, or avoid saying it, but then she thinks about Eskild, so happy and proud of himself, and about Eskild side-eyeing her since she moved in, and she just swallows and goes for it. “I’m queer. Can we go out tonight?”Eskild jumps off the bed and immediately wraps around her like a cat. Noora is panting a bit with the force of her admission, and she bites her lower lip hard, tucks her smile in Eskild’s neck. She lets herself be rocked back and forth.[Or, an Eva/Noora kinda-retelling of the 1st season, where Noora is as queer as they come, and she finds her place in the world in Oslo.]





	

**Author's Note:**

> So basically I'll never stop being bitter about Noora being presented as a love interest in s1, only to have the... thing... that was s2. So yeah, I ended up writing more than 19k (which is the most I've ever written can you believe) as a personal fix it. I'm not even sorry ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> There are people I have to thank for this: in primis there's [H](http://fille-lioncelle.tumblr.com), who helped me a lot with headcanons and stuff. Then [Camille](http://ernestine-scatterbrain.tumblr.com), who endured me sending her bits and pieces in the middle of the night. And [Tink](http://captivekinqs.tumblr.com), who solved a plot thing and is also v good at writing.
> 
> Also: there are some things in Spanish in the text. I didn't give an in-text translation, it's in the end notes. (If there's an Español hablante here, I had my Argentinian friend translate it, so might not be perfect castellano, but I was aiming for "not making you cringe for the google-translate-grammar" when reading.)
> 
> Title taken from [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7P4Egi4C20), and please go and watch the music video because it's amazing.

Mandag, 10:33

There is a girl in Spanish who catches Noora’s attention. She’s beautiful, with long red hair and dressed up a bit butchy, and she’s always with two guys, a blonde and a brunet. Her gaze is always a bit lost, and the rare times in which she’s alone she seems to be without a direction, without a place to _be_. Noora knows she’s probably projecting, but she can’t avoid feeling like that girl is like her, like she can relate with her a lot.

Noora watches her, and she sees her kissing the brunet. She bites her lips, destroying the careful lipstick job she has.

The prettiest ones are always straight, or taken. Or both. What can she do.

 

Fredag, 21:36

Her name is Eva. Noora met her at the party on Saturday. Eva was there, dressed up and pretty, with a heavy smokey eye that made her gaze mysterious and intriguing. Noora was trembling in anticipation at the barstool, trying to find the courage to talk to her.

When the other girl called her a slut, Noora was so pissed off she forgot for a minute (an amazing minute) that she was actually nervous, and her sole goal became to make Eva smile. Needless to say, she ended up saying a Really Stupid Thing, and she just had to flee the scene.

A 90% more chance to get chlamydia. _Why_ is she like that.

 

Søndag, 15:18

On Sunday, Eva sends her a friend request on Facebook, and when Noora sees it she jumps a bit on her spot. Eskild gives her a questioning look, but she just shrugs it off with a smile and starts thinking about what she could have for snack. Later, when Eskild is preoccupied with _Paradise Hotel_ , she checks her profile obsessively to see what has she available to strangers. The first post coming up is a picture of her at the _Sanfermines_ with María, Alejandra and Paula that she didn’t have the heart to delete; they have a shared bottle of wines among themselves, the content more on their clothes than anywhere else. She misses them, and she tells herself that she has at least to text them, and to stop being like this. But it’s difficult.

Eva’s profile is simple, her face smiling in her profile pic, and nothing public except for a shared youtube video. The fact that’s Ke$ha’s _Die Young_ makes Noora smile.

She leaves the friend request there, too nervous to accept.

 

Mandag, 7:17

The friend request is still there; it didn’t disappear overnight. She feels too awkward and too shy to accept it, but on the other hand, that would be a chance to speak with Eva at least, to be her friend.

 

Tirsdag, 22:44

And even if they don’t become friends, at least she’d have Eva on Facebook and she could see what she posts and whatnot.

 

Onsdag, 19:47

But what does she say to her though, how does she speak to her when all she said to her was a joke about fucking chlamydia?

 

Torsdag, 12:35

She wishes she could have Eskild’s self-confidence when it comes to pursuing people. But she’s not Eskild, she’s just starting now to understand what it means that she wants to kiss girls, and for once her mother’s knowledge surely helped, when she was home for the holidays and she could steal some book.

 

Fredag, 19:44

She accepts Eva’s friend request on a whim, before starting to cook, so she has the time to take her mind away from things. She needs to be careful when she cooks, still. She threw away every kitchen scale she had, but she still knows more or less how much things weight, and forgetting the calories amount is not something that comes easily to her. She takes a couple of leeks (200 grams each, 122kcal) and three small potatoes (450 grams, 362kcal), and starts preparing everything for a stew. She debates whether adding something more for Eskild and Linn, too, just to be a good flatmate and build a relationship with them. She knows she’s younger, but she’s been living alone since last year, and she was abroad, too. she wants them to respect her and to have a good relationship like she had with María and Alejandra.

 

Lørdag, 17:11

Eva sent her a message. Eva sent her a message. _Eva sent her a message_. Noora doesn’t even care that it just says _H_ because her stomach jumped so high she felt literal butterflies. Eva sent her a message.

And she sends her another message right after, too. This time it’s longer, it says _Hi, is what I meant. Wanted to write hi, but then I pressed the send button and so it was just H. Haha._

Oh no, Noora is officially too endeared by this girl. Oh no.

She’s also officially freaking out. What does she do now? What does she answer? _Sorry but you’re too cute and I went “aawww” in real life_? They definitely don’t have that confidence level, and Eva is also Straight Or Taken Or Both.

She ends up sending a thumbs up and hating herself because she couldn’t find literally anything better, but she didn’t want to leave Eva without an answer.

 

Mandag, 10:25

Noora arrives purposefully early in class for Spanish, and she takes a seat in the first row; she saw it empty last week, and she plans to be Eva’s new desk partner. She knows they’re both alone, and she really hopes Eva won’t be deterred by her stupid thumbs up on Saturday, and will choose to sit near her.

She takes her phone and starts playing it, trying to look studiously busy. She’s in plain sight from where the door is, and starts tapping her foot in anticipation. There are no game apps on her phone, and she hoovers over Alejandra’s number for a bit, wondering if sending her a whatsapp message would be too much or not. (Of course she won’t do it, but she always wonders, she always does.)

She’s like a violin string, all wounded up with anticipation, by the time everyone starts to enter class. Eva is there, and she can see her breathing deeply and start coming towards her desk. Noora almost smiles under her Very Busy Façade, and remembers to control herself at the very last moment.

Which is, of course, when a boy ruins everything. Predictable, but still disappointing. He spreads himself in Eva’s seat (!) and looks at her with a self-satisfied smirk. “Hallo,” he says, “how are you doing?”

Noora looks at him and hopes to convey the fact that if it didn’t mean going to prison, she would be in the middle of killing him right now. She then looks at Eva, who swerved and is seated at the nearby desk. To hell with that, she thinks.

“I’ll sit here,” she smiles. She’s got her feel good lipstick on, and with it she feels almost invincible. Like she can even joke about her epic Saturday fuck up with the I’m-not-interested-but-too-polite-to-tell-you thumbs up. “Hi! Or… H.” She says, smiling, and she looks at Eva smiling abashedly.

She’s so beautiful, Noora is almost swooning.

 

Mandag, 17:56

Eva is so funny, and cool, and amazing, and gorgeous. And Noora has to find absolutely an excuse to talk to her outside Spanish. She already admitted she has no friends in Oslo, but other than that she doesn’t want to seem desperate or needy. Eva is taken. Eva has a _boyfriend_ , and that boyfriend is the one who gets to appreciate her jokes and her wit, and humour, and intelligence. And Noora is just the new girl in the city, she doesn’t know how can she hold up with that.

 

Torsdag, 14:05

Eva is looking at the bulletin board, and Noora was never a master in quick-thinking, but she ends up whipping up a plan in two seconds and a half. A plan that will make her talk to Eva, and maybe even _go out with_ Eva, if she plays her cards right.

Of course, not like a date because Eva has a _boy_ , but she still feels butterflies in her stomach when she thinks about it, and her Very Queer Uniform she’s wearing today gives her courage to approach Eva without trembling. Almost.

“H like ‘Have you got a drug problem?’”

Eva will probably get tired of her and that topic, but for now she just giggles bashfully with her head thrown back, and looks at Noora through her lashes. Her heart skips a beat, and this gives her the courage to continue. “Or, H like ‘Have you got any plans for Friday?’”

Noora doesn’t even know how she manages to keep her cool when she says that, but Eva doesn’t seem disgusted; a smile start spreading on her lips, and Noora starts hoping.

“Hi!”

Of-fucking-course. Noora must be the luckiest girl in the entire universe. A blonde girl is approaching, looking slightly like manic. Eva is smiling up at her and Noora has to check herself to remember it’s not the blonde girl’s fault, and that Eva is Straight Or Taken Or Both.

But, fuck, she could have waited like three seconds so Noora would have ~~not~~ a date with Eva in the meantime.

“Vilde, this is Noora.” Noora feigns a smile and shakes her hand, and then gets promptly ignored when the blonde starts talking about a… bus meeting. Or something. Noora is too pissed off to care.

Vilde even asks her to fucking join the _world’s coolest russ bus_ , like, really. _Really_.

She doesn’t even thank Vilde for the offer. A russ bus, no thanks.

...

Except… like. Eva’s hosting the meeting apparently. Huh.

Noora is officially the stupidest girl in the Whole Universe, in addition to being the unluckiest girl in the whole universe.

 

Torsdag, 19:36

In the end, she could weasel her way through Eva’s house thanks to the arrival of two other girls. And both of them were more agreeable than Vilde, who had the Guilt of being the one who prevented Eva from answering after Noora had asked her out. And also she organised a stupid bus meeting on Friday, so Eva wouldn’t have come anyway.

Christ. Noora was fuming at the sole thought.

And Vilde was also against Sana being in their group because she was a Muslim, and was really pissed when Noora intervened in Sana’s favour.

Well, serves her right.

At least, Chris and Sana seemed cooler. Chris was a happy-go-lucky sort of person, and Sana had seemed really badass. She could endure Vilde if everyone else was cool. And if there was Eva too. At Eva’s. In her room. On her bed.

Noora has to stop studying because she’s too flustered to think about anything else.

 

Fredag, 16:31

Eskild is suspicious. Noora sometimes thinks she should tell him, or maybe he already suspects something because he’s got a fucking functioning gaydar, but also she’s not used to confide in someone. And honestly, Eskild is probably guessing it anyway, judging from the little smirk he’s sporting.

He’s sitting on her bed, watching her getting ready for the meeting and fussing over which clothes does she have to wear and if her Ruby Woo is going to match or not, if she has to match or if that will be seen as trying too hard.

She _knows_ it’s not a date, but it will also be the first time she sees Eva outside school, her first time at Eva’s house, and she needs to make a good impression, ~~needs to show Eva that she’d be a great girl to date~~.

“Are you trying to impress a lucky someone, miss?” Eskild has his chin on his hands and is almost literally batting his eyelashes. Amazing.

“ _Nei_ , Eskild. I’m doing it because I want to look nice. For myself,” Noora says haughtily. Eskild just shakes his head and keeps smirking.

Amazing, not.

 

Fredag, 18:50

Noora snatched the seat close to Eva, and she’s literally trembling, thank god nobody seems to notice it, Vilde too preoccupied with handing cupcakes, and everyone else listening to her with almost rapt attention.

To be honest, Noora could not care less of what’s happening with their future Russetiden, like. She literally does not care about it, and she does not care about being a _g_ _å-russ_. She just cares about the fact that Eva is right next to her, so close that she can almost feel her body heat, so close that if she turnt her head she could maybe kiss her. If only. They’re sitting together while everyone else is far, far away from them, and that’s what matters now. Not the spreadsheets Vilde prepared (though Noora is almost impressed with all the commitment Vilde has put in the whole ordeal), not the plan Sana’s coming up with.

A plan that involves them hooking up with ‘97ers, and Eva leaving her boyfriend. Noora has no intentions of hooking up with ‘97ers, but she can… kind of… get behind the second part of Sana’s plan.

Not that she will ever admit to that, obviously, more like: “You’re not serious now?”

Sana looks at her dead in the eyes. “She’s the prettiest one here. It’s a waste if she has a boyfriend.” And it’s like she _knows_ what’s happening, and Noora knows that it’s impossible because it’s just the second time she talks to Sana, but also she feels her cheeks heating up.

Shit, fuck, bugger.

She looks at Eva, and Eva looks at her flabbergasted, and Noora is suddenly really scared that Eva can see through her just like Sana seems to be able to. She starts searching in her mind for a way to change the subject quickly. “But… Honestly, that’s really stupid.”

Sana is still staring at her, and Noora swallows uneasily. “What is?”

“You can’t ask us to use our sexuality in exchange for credibility,” which is actually something Noora really thinks, but it’s also so not the point. The point is people stopping talking about how hot Eva is. Pretty please. “You’re crazy.”

Sana seems to take the lead, and Noora can see her almost smirking, and that makes her nervous. “No, I’m honest,” and just like that. The attention is shifted.

 

Onsdag, 15:46

_Message from Sana Bakkoush: Eva is going through with the plan. With Chris from the Penetrators. Jsyk_

Noora doesn’t even open the message, so she’ll have an excuse to say she doesn’t care. She just burrows in her covers and tries not to think.

 

Torsdag, 12:10

Eva went through with the plan. Eva got herself invited to a party on Friday, and Penetrator Chris told her to bring friends.

Noora has to thank Sana for the message, because she’s able to feign surprise and happiness even when seeing the flirty messages Eva sent to Penetrator Chris.

Fucking hell, what has her life become.

 

Fredag, 16:40

Eskild is watching her again.

Better, Eskild is _smirking_ at her again.

And Noora looks at him watching critically the clothes she chose for the party, hands on his hips and eyebrows raised, and her heart starts beating a mile per minute.

“They’re cute. Sheer is cute. You’ll look amazing in it,” Eskild says, though the smirk never leaves his lips.

Noora smiles slightly and takes her Russian Red from the makeup drawer. Her hand is trembling, and she ignores it. “Thanks.”

“Oh, by the way, do you know Mac is owned by Estée Lauder? You should stop buying their products.”

“I’ll stick to Nars products when I’m finished with those, promise,” Noora says, and then shoos Eskild out of her room. It’s time to get ready.

 

Fredag, 18:41

She’s not usually someone who likes parties, but she likes the part where Eva grabs her and tells her not to leave her alone, while pressing herself against Noora. She likes that part really much. Her heart is beating a mile per minute, and the butterflies in her stomach are as alive as ever. She can’t avoid smiling like a fool, and squeezing her back.

“Okay, I won’t leave you.”

She grabs Eva’s hand ( _as not to lose her into the crowd, of course_ ) and tries to find a place on a sofa where they can sit. She really wants to dance with Eva, but she doesn’t feel confident enough to do that, least of all at a Penetrators party, since the fuckers are probably the kind of people who would jack off to lesbian porn and then turn around and spit on gay guys.

She won’t be eye candy for horny boys, not when what she feels for Eva is so private, not when what she _has_ with Eva is so fragile. Not when Eva still has a boyfriend.

“So, Madrid?” Eva is looking at her with earnest eyes, leaning a bit because of the music volume, and Noora fervently wishes she put a low-necked shirt that day.

“Yeah, it was a good year but ultimately I… missed Norway a bit, so I decided to come back. And also, I prefer the curricula in Norway to those in Spain.” Eva smiles at those words, and shakes her head.

“You are so smart and good, aren’t you?”

Noora feels a blush creeping up her cheek, and puts her hands on them to cover it. “Oh, come on. I just like to study. It’s not like you’re any less smart.”

Eva rolls her eyes and bits her lip, and Noora has to look away as not to give too much away. Eva’s lips are full and amazing, and she wants to bite them. “I am not school smart though, not like you.”

“Everybody’s smart in their own way, and,” she puts her hand on Eva’s arm and squeezes a bit. Eva is warm and amazing, and Noora weeps a bit internally. “Do you think I’d spend my time with you if I considered you stupid?”

Eva leans into the touch and more into Noora, and closes her eyes with a sweep of eyelashes that makes Noora swallow hard. “You’re on a bus with Vilde, and you don’t seem to have a particularly high opinion of her.”

“True,” says Noora, and leans just a tiny bit towards Eva, stopping just far enough to be considered still friendly, but not _that_ friendly. The next words sound like a revelation to her too. “But I did it to be with you, not with Vilde.”

Eva actually stops for a bit, and starts to become as red as a tomato. Noora smiles nervously, she doesn’t know if she said the wrong thing, and if now Eva will suspect something, it’s just that it felt right to say it, and she couldn’t stop herself.

Her phone ringing shakes her off her Eva bubble, and she sees that’s María calling. She taps the silence button and puts the phone away; she really doesn’t know what to do and what to tell them. She really needs to contact them.

Eva is looking at her curiously, and her blush is almost gone. Noora leans on the couch and shrugs awkwardly. “I might not be the best friend in the world for my Spanish friends in this moment.”

Eva is looking at her intensely, and she has to look away, towards the mass of bodies, as not to start babbling uselessly. “Why is that? You don’t want to speak to them?”

“It’s not that, it’s…” Noora doesn’t really want to tell the whole story to Eva, not right now, and she purses her lips. “I haven’t exactly left Spain properly, I don’t know how to call it. It was a bit messy. And I still haven’t contacted them.”

They would maybe hate her or something, says the voice on the back of her head. She doesn’t know how much it’s true, but that doesn’t really matter. It’s not rational, never has been. Because rationally she can read up all she wants and knows all she can, in the end she’s still just a girl, scared of what other people will think about her.

Eva seems lost in her thought for a bit. “I mean, you do realise I’m not the best person to give friend advice,” she says, and she points her chin towards to the group of girls who called her a slut. “But maybe try to talk to them, it might be useful for closure at least, if not for anything else.”

Noora wonders what happens to Eva, but she knows realistically that she shouldn’t ask anything if she’s not ready to give anything back in returns. So it’s either waiting for what it’s offered to her or preparing herself psychologically for what’s to come.

“Yeah, I have to find the courage to do that,” is what she settles with, and tries to fight the urge to put her head on Eva’s shoulder, looking for comfort.

 

Lørdag, 13:47

~~_¡Hola, María! Solo quería decirte que_ ~~

~~_¡Hola, María! Gracias por llamar, lamento que_ ~~

~~_¡Hola, María! No podía atender porque_ ~~

~~_¡Hola, María! Lo siento, estaba en una fiesta_ ~~

_María, lamento no responder, y lamento haberme ido de repente. Sé que os debo una explicación. Me gustaría hablar por skype algún dia, quizás también con Alejandra._ _Si queréis hacerlo y no me odiáis_

 

 ~~_María, lamento no responder, y lamento haberme ido de repente. Sé que os debo una explicación. Me gustaría hablar por skype algún dia, quizás también con Alejandra._~~ ~~_Si queréis hacerlo y no me odiáis_ ~~

 

 

Mandag, 15:11

“I went to Jonas’ on Saturday,” says Eva while they’re studying in the library. Noora offered to help her with Spanish so she wouldn’t fail. Eva had looked at her right in the eye and made her promise she would get a straight six.

Noora was almost tempted to joke about how nothing coming from her would ever be straight, but she found herself with her tongue tied and on the verge of a panic attack. It was embarrassing.

But Noora is mature enough to admit she needs to work on some things about herself, she just doesn’t know how.

“Oh, and what happened?” Noora doesn’t lift her eyes from what she’s writing, but she can see her knuckles turning white on her pen.

She should have a prize for her patience and masochism, probably.

“I think he’s hiding something, I’m not sure. He didn’t want to talk yesterday. He just, like. Deflected.” Out of the corner of her eye, Eva is biting her lips and hyperfocusing on her homework.

“I mean, you did leave him for a party on Friday,” Noora can’t avoid saying, and immediately bits her tongue. That’s not what Eva needs right now. Eva needs a good friend who supports her relationship.

Eva doesn’t need Noora.

“I mean, I’m not blaming you. I’m just saying.” Noora waves her hands uselessly. Good friend, she repeats in her head. Good friend.

“He claims he’s not pissed, but I think there’s something he doesn’t want to talk about.” Eva stops pretending she’s doing her homework, and Noora purses her lips.

“But isn’t he just pissed because he thought you didn’t want him to meet your mom? He thinks you’re ashamed of him.”

Eva’s eyes are wide open. “You think so?”

Noora nods. Honestly, she doesn’t like Jonas, but she would feel like that too, were she in Jonas’ place. “Just let him meet your mother, what’s the problem?”

Eva bites her lip and raises her eyebrows. “Well, it’s—”

“Chris has to tell Sana that she can’t be on our bus any longer.” Vilde arrives, and breaks Noora’s bubble. Fuck, Eva was about to open up. Fucking hell. Fucking Vilde. Who even cares about the bus, honestly.

 

Tirsdag, 19:31

The chickpeas (500 grams, 1805kcal) are boiling in the pot, and Noora is cutting up two avocados (120 grams each, 500kcal) for the salad she’s preparing. She told Eskild and Linn she was cooking for everyone, because this way she can take her mind off how many calories are in the food she’s eating.

She’s getting better, she _is_ , she’s just not really _there_ , not yet.

“What about tuna, or cereals? Or both?” Eskild is standing on the threshold, looking at her. “I have a couple of tuna cans we could use. And Linn says she has millet.”

Noora shrugs. “Sure, give it to me.”

Eskild basically waltzes into the kitchen singing _my youth is yours_ under his breath. Noora smiles and mouths _trippin’ on skies, sippin’ waterfalls_. She loves that song.

She’s jealous of Eskild, capable of being himself so fully and unapologetically. He doesn’t have any qualms about being who he is, and he knows how to be light as a feather, only to fall on your back harder than an anvil as soon as you say something disrespectful.

Noora is not like that. Noora is… Noora’s mum is a sexologist, and yet she can’t. She’s not true to herself, not like Eskild is, and she knows it, but she doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t know how to be true to herself, how to walk past everything and just be free. It will probably come naturally, but for now she’s trapped and she doesn’t know what to do.

 _Run away now and forevermore_.

 

Onsdag, 13:15

Eva is furiously making out with Jonas on the windowsill, which means that she listened to Noora’s suggestions, and she knows she should be happy that she’s being such a good friend and not a creepy one, but she can’t help the burning sensation that flares up in her chest and doesn’t want to go away. She feigns a smile and balls her hands inside her jacket. “Hi, have you become friends again or?”

Eva and Jonas stop kissing to stare at her, embarrassed. She’s sure Eva heard the acid tone of her voice, but she doesn’t really care. She can’t help herself in this moment, she just wishes for that feeling to go away.

“… This is Noora. I told you about her,” says Eva, a bit awkwardly. She seems set on ignoring everything, and Noora can’t blame her. She just can’t stop herself either.

Happy couple being all happy and all that jazz. Of course. When she shakes Jonas’ hand, she puts more force in it than strictly necessary. “Noora.”

“Hello, Jonas.” What makes Noora kind of sad is that Jonas looks like the kind of cool kid she would hang out with to talk about the world and politics, and maybe tell him about Eskild so they can talk about it too.

But Jonas is with Eva, so doesn’t really matter. Noora won’t be his friend. “We have an appointment to the school doctor,” she says, ignoring Jonas altogether.

“Oh, right,” Eva is still hugging Jonas and doesn’t seem to want to stop. “What about Vilde?”

“Vilde will meet us there.” Noora just wants to go and forget this awkward conversation ever happened.

“What’s happening with the school doctor?” Jonas looks disoriented, and Noora just wants Eva to detach herself from him.

“We’re helping a friend get laid.” She smiles with as much venom as possible, but Jonas doesn’t seem to realise that.

“Okay, good luck with that.”

“Thank you!” And if she could have been more sarcastic, she would surely have. But alas, there’s only so much sarcasm you can inject in a _thank you_. She pasts on a big, fake smile and starts going, without even waiting for Eva. She feels her coming after a couple of beats, running to catch up.

“Are you pissed off or?”

“Uh,” Noora shrugs, maintains a neutral expression—much easier now that Jonas is gone. “Yeah I think that Vilde wanting to sleep with William is bullshit.”

Eva laughs a bit. “Yeah, I mean, he’s not the best person, isn’t he? But if Vilde likes him…”

“Eh. Vilde probably likes the idea of being with a popular person, not him.”

Eva slaps her lightly on her arm. “Come on, you’re not being very nice right now.”

She knows she’s not, but Vilde is also not one of her favourite people right now. “What can I do, I’m just a meanie, I guess.”

Eva laughs. “You’re not. You’re an amazing person, you just, maybe, need not to judge people so fast.”

 

Fredag, 19:47

Vilde claims she’s not drunk, but _she is_. She claims she’s not afraid, she just doesn’t want it to hurt, and when Noora told her to relax she answered that she couldn’t know because she’s a virgin. Okay. It’s not Vilde’s business to know where and with whom Noora was involved, anyway.

Vilde doesn’t look like someone who really wants to have sex.

And Eva is getting impatient because she’s supposed to eat with Jonas-lovey-dovey and her mum tonight. What an amazing evening, seriously.

Well, desperate times call for desperate measures, and all that.

“I know what can make you horny.”

Vilde was already scandalised, and her face now turns self-righteous. “I won’t be involved in lesbian stuff,” she says, and Noora feels like being punched in the gut.

“Vilde, it’s not _lesbian stuff_. Lie on your back and close your eyes.” She tries to put aside her feelings, but she can’t avoid glancing at Eva, who seems like she’s not paying attention to anything around her, looking at her phone for Jonas. Well, at least she didn’t notice what Vilde said to Noora. “Imagine you and William standing in the bedroom. Are you imagining it? Describe what’s happening.”

Vilde is confused at first, but then she gains confidence and starts talking, and Noora breathes a bit, trying to feel less shocked because someone—someone she doesn’t really get along with but still—told her she won’t be involved in _lesbian stuff_. Does she look like she would be the kind of person to do that? Why did Vilde say that?

And then she kind of… start paying attention to what Vilde is _actually_ saying. Talking about her dress and hairdo, and describing her makeup. And Chris looks confused but Noora—Noora knows that kind of feeling, Noora can _see_ what’s happening here.

The punch sensation goes away as soon as she breathes because _of course_ , Vilde didn’t say that because of Noora. Of fucking course.

And Noora remembers being like that, remembers being in Madrid for the first months and being scared and confused about what was happening to her, and thinking that getting aroused at the thoughts of girls didn’t mean anything.

Oh, Vilde.

 

Fredag, 00:59

Noora can’t sleep. She keeps turning around under her covers without finding a good position. She thinks about herself, her situation, and what happened with Vilde. And Vilde is just like Noora, isn’t it? Maybe a bit more than Noora, in the sense that she’s lying to herself more, but there are no other differences, aren’t they? Well, other than the fact that Noora actually _likes_ boys, but not… not as much as she would have liked when she arrived in Madrid.

Noora feels a tiny surge of _something_ for what Vilde must going through in this moment, for Vilde going to have sex with a popular boy, but saying she would be relieved if he didn’t show up.

Noora doesn’t want to be like Vilde. She suddenly feels very mean for thinking that, and she has never felt mean towards Vilde, even if she knows she was.

She just… remembers. She remembers when she was trying to convince herself that finding girls attractive was nothing and you could still be straight, and she remembers Amira kissing her at the clinic, and how she was so soft and open, and Noora really, really wasn't. And she thought she was trying, but she really wasn't, and Madrid was like a godsend for the person she was at the time.

She waits for the tears to stop running down her face before closing her eyes and finally falling asleep.

 

Lørdag, 18:02

_The same-sex erotic entanglements constructed in these early modern plays are associative, not concrete, embodiments of female–female desire._

Noora closes the book and looks away. She takes a deep breath.

“Are you free tonight?”

Eskild stares at her and raises an eyebrow. She barged into his room without even knocking, and she realises it and blushes. “As a matter of fact, I am. What’s the problem?”

Noora tries to breathe slowly to calm herself, but it’s not happening so she gives up. “I need to talk to you.”

Eskild raises both of his eyebrows, and then gestures to his bed. “Absolutely. Want to sit?”

“No,” she shakes her head. “I am… I can’t sit. I just need to talk to you.”

Noora closes the door and looks at Eskild, sitting cross-legged on his bed. He stares at her for a couple of seconds, then closes his eyes and leans on his elbows. “No hurry here, just tell me when you’re ready.”

And Noora thinks about backing up, or avoid saying it, but then she thinks about Eskild, so happy and proud of himself, and about Eskild side-eyeing her since she moved in, and she just swallows and goes for it. “I’m queer. Can we go out tonight?”

Eskild jumps out of the bed and immediately wraps around her like a cat. Noora is panting a bit with the force of her admission, and she bites her lower lip hard, and tuck her smile in Eskild’s neck. She lets herself be rocked back and forth.

_The truth so loud you can't ignore._

 

The bar is called _Elsker_ , and it’s, Eskild says, at the centre of the gay scene. Noora just needs a place to be away from the Noora from before the coming out, honestly.

Eskild has been amazing. He hasn’t stopped touching her for a moment since she told him she was… queer. She was queer. She basks in the side hug Eskild is giving her, and sips her Shirley Temple (150 millilitres, 110kcal).

“So, you want to talk about it?” Eskild presses his words against her hair, and she lies on his shoulder and thinks.

“Is there something more to say?”

“Only if you feel the need to say it.”

Noora mixes her drink lazily. She doesn’t even have makeup on, because it was a lazy Saturday and she didn’t think about it. Nobody seems to care though, and even if she feels a bit naked and not totally herself without it, she’s comfortable enough not to care back. “I’m not sure. What is there to say besides the fact that I’m queer?”

Eskild is drinking a blue lagoon, and Noora is not sure about his alcohol resistance, but he told her he wasn’t a lightweight, not to worry, and she trusts him for now. “Well, you can talk about the process you did to get where you are. Or you can talk about the people you like. Or we can just cuddle. Just, no hetero.”

Noora laughs, surprised. “Okay, no hetero,” she closes her eyes, and mover her head following the beat. “I’m not sure about the things to say, honestly. It was the first time I said it to myself, because I can read all the book I want and I can find every girl in the world prettier than all the boys, but labelling myself, that’s another issue.”

“That’s normal,” says Eskild. “Before coming out to myself I spent like six months trying to convince myself that it was normal for a straight boy to get aroused by other boys, because puberty.”

Noora laughs and open her eyes, looks at the lights. “Yeah, I actually, like. Had a story with a girl already but it. Didn’t end well, and. It probably left me less ready than I was before to admit anything to anyone.”

Up until Eva, at least. Up until she couldn’t convince herself that she only liked boys because of Eva’s tantalising presence.

She’s not saying that to Eskild. _Yet_.

Eskild doesn’t answer, just kisses her hair and sips his blue lagoon.

“I mean, it has always been easy for me to categorise other people as, like, straight. And I never really applied that label to myself, but. I couldn’t really get past the uncomfortableness I felt with that label to get into deeper waters.”

“And what changed?”

Noora takes Eskild’s hand, and squeezes it a bit. Half of that was surely Eva, and the other half… “probably the fact that I read so many… queer books? Both fiction and non-fiction. And I couldn’t really think of applying those labels on me at first, but I guess it rubbed off. I’m not sure.” She takes a shaky breath. “I wanted to be true to myself, you know. Just like you are.”

She feels Eskild going rigid for a moment, and then he turns and squeezes her properly in a bear hug. They stay like that for a bit, and Noora has the time to make the wetness in her eyes go away.

“The fun thing is that my mum is a sexologist, and my dad a psychologist. I should have be prepared to that,” Noora says bitterly, without really leaving the hug. She feels little pats on her back.

“We can’t really know everything. But hey, you’re here now, and that what counts the most.”

She throws her head back to look Eskild in the eyes. “Yeah, lucky me I have an amazing guru, haven’t I?”

Eskild puffs up and smiles really big. “Yeah, lucky you, you have.”

 

Søndag, 13:47

_María, lamento no responder, y lamento haberme ido de repente. Sé que os debo una explicación. Me gustaría hablar por skype algún dia, quizás también con Alejandra. Si queréis hacerlo y no me odiáis. Vos quiero mucho._

 

Mandag, 10:15

Walking in school after having spent Saturday night with Eskild and having come out (!!!) is the best feeling in the world. Noora puffs up her chest a little more, and struts past the gates of Hartvig Nissen. She thought that coming back to her life would have made her feel worse, but she doesn’t feel worse, she feels like she’s queer. She’s Queer. She’s QUEER! And she wants to scream it from the rooftops. Maybe the school rooftops, who knows.

Not even seeing Eva with Jonas can shake her today, because that’s not really what her coming out (!!!) is about. Her coming out (!!!) is for her, it’s just because she finally stopped trying to act like someone she really wasn’t, and started the process of being more open. Noora feels elated and amazing.

 

Mandag, 11:35

She’s queer!

 

Mandag, 14:00

“… And Isak is saying I should talk to Ingrid, I really don’t know what to do.” Eva is leaning all her weight on Noora’s shoulder, and fiddling with her hands. Noora caresses her absently, wonder if that’s allowed now, if they really are on a touch basis.

Her hair is so soft.

“I am not sure, but I do think he’s right. You should trust Jonas.”

She feels eva shrug. “But he _did_ lie to me. I heard Ingrid’s voice. And he didn’t tell me anything about that. How could I trust him after something like that?”

Noora doesn’t answer, she wouldn’t know what to do. Her honest answer would be _just dump him_ , and she can’t be sure it’s a disinterested answer. And she doesn’t want to be a bad friend, because as much as she likes Eva, she’s her friend first and foremost, and she can’t do her wrong.

So she just keeps caressing her hair, and scratches her a bit. “Just know that I’m here for you whatever happens.”

And that’s the most that can happen.

 

“It was a bit like a sneeze. Just down there.”

“Like a sneeze.” Noora can’t believe it. Noora _really_ can’t believe it. A sneeze _down there_.

Oh, Vilde. Christ.

She doesn’t know what to say, so she just bobs her head and pats Vilde on her shoulder. She would like to be able to say that she can be present for Vilde, but the truth is that she has yet to tell anyone that’s not Eskild, and she’s just at the beginning of her path. So yeah, that might take time.

For now she can just actually side-hug Vilde—who looks fairly surprised, and who can blame her really—and pretend to be interested, while she watches Eva send angry messages to Jonas.

Were she a better person, she would feel sorry for her arguing with Jonas yet again, but honestly this is just another thing adding to her mental list of _Reasons Why I Am a Better Choice for Eva than Jonas Is_ , at the voice thirty-two.

Of course, she doesn’t even have that list; that would be stupid. Ha.

 

Mandag, 00:01

Eva is on good terms again with Jonas. Whatever.

 

Torsdag, 12:03

Vilde keeps wearing that fucking penetrator shirt, and while she looks… pretty hot with a hoodie, she can’t keep doing this. She even had a spat with Sana over this yesterday. Noora doesn’t know what to do.

She thought about talking to Eskild, but she doesn’t want him to think Vilde is the one she likes, because then he will want to play matchmaker and her sentimental situation is already difficult as it is and she doesn’t have time for that shit.

And she knows that honestly she has no right to feel more mature than Vilde is, and she regrets behaving like that towards her, but also… even if Eskild calls her a _baby queer welcomed under my wings_ , she can’t shake the sensation that she’s indeed at a different point of her life, or her acceptance.

And this is not even about coming out, honestly. Because Vilde can have some shit going on, like everybody does, and she has to remember that. But one thing is to know you can’t come out because of your situation, and another thing is not being able to admit to yourself that you aren’t straight.

Maybe she could slip one of her books in Vilde’s bag, see if that goes well.

 

Fredag, 17:58

_Message from Eskild Tryggvason: Tonight you have a party but tomorrow it’s guru day!!_

 

Lørdag, 15:56

“Honestly, I thought that _guru day_ meant you would take me to _Elsker_ again,” Noora says, and Eskild snorts.

“I mean, we can go to _Elsker_ tonight, if you like. And maybe try to pull?”

Noora laughs and shakes her head. “I am _not_ going to watch you pulling a pretty boy, Eskild. I would have to go home alone then.”

Eskild squeezes her shoulder and looks at the stage, where two women and a man are sitting under a banner saying _Love is a human right – gender, sexuality and citizenship_. He’s actually taking this guru thing really seriously.

Noora really appreciates it. Because going to a debate about queer stuff (and she’s queer!) is much more like her approach to the matter than going to a gay bar is.

Sure, she does like the gay bar, but since she has an Eva problem maybe it’s better… not for the time being. She would like to be able to kiss pretty girls without problems, but in a context like that she’ll probably feel overwhelmed, and she doesn’t feel confident enough to stay anywhere without Eskild as a human shield.

“And of course I wouldn’t let you go home alone though, Noora, what a shit friend do you think I am?”

Noora snorts. “A friend who’s actually with me for this and is doing everything in his capacities to make me feel accepted. Some shit friend, indeed.”

She puts her head on his shoulder and closes her eyes. The debate has yet to start, and she feels a bit tired from the party yesterday, but she didn’t want to pass up the opportunity of being here with Eskild.

“We would totally take a taxi together, baby.”

“I can imagine myself being the third wheel and trying to avoid your wandering hands in the backseat, yes.”

Eskild laughs. “I will restrain myself for you, I promise.”

“I don’t believe you. But thanks.” She opens her eyes when she hear the microphones being turned on, but she doesn’t leave her spot on Eskild’s shoulder. Yeah, so she likes cuddles and might be a bit touch starved. Sue her.

 

Lørdag, 19:30

Noora is dressed to kill, and fuck everyone who ever thought that makeup doesn’t go with a checkered shirt. Eskild is wearing mascara and lip gloss, and he gives her an once-over.

“You definitely need a flannel, baby.”

Noora laughs, and looks at her poor imitation she’s wearing. “I definitely do.”

“A fashionable one, though. You’re like a lipstick butch.” Eskild comes up to her and adjusts his coat. “Have you thought of a leather jacket too?”

Noora shakes her head. “Lipstick butch. Dude. Please.”

She takes her coat and trails right behind Eskild. “Well, I mean, you don’t fit any stereotype, so I was trying to create something for you.”

“Just like you’re the flamboyant rainbow dude, you mean?”

“Just like I’m the Guru,” Eskild laughs, and opens the door.

Eva is standing right behind it.

Noora is sucker-punched out of the world where she’s ready to go out with Eskild, and suddenly she feels naked, like Eva can see right through her.

Only Eva is not really looking _at_ her. She’s looking _towards_ her, but her eyes are rimmed red, and she’s furiously biting her lip.

“I fucked up.”

Eskild looks at Noora, and she nods. She can’t really go out of the house, even if she would have liked it. And they went to the debate this morning anyway.

She kisses Eskild on his cheek and then hugs Eva and takes her to the kitchen. “What do you say to a hot chocolate?”

Seeing Eva’s grateful face makes her think that even if her night didn’t turn out the way she expected to, she’s still happy with the outcome.

 

No, wait, delete this evening, delete _everything_.

They’re in Noora’s room, drinking hot chocolate (200ml, 160kcal) and she’s struggling to act like a Good Friend Who Supports Her Friends.

Honestly, she would have told any other of her friends to _dump him_ , but also she really… can’t, not with Eva. Not when she could suspect something and then break everything up between them.

“I don’t even know what to do, and I was so fucking stupid—” Eva breaks down in sobs, and Noora puts her mug on her nightstand and open her arms. Physical comfort and platonic cuddles, that she can do.

Eva throws herself at Noora and she spares a thought for her good clothes she’d put to go out, but she doesn’t really care in that moment. She squeezes Eva as tight as she can, and rocks her back and forth. Eva keeps her head down and breathes on her neck, and Noora bites her lip, definitely ruining her perfect lipstick application.

She lets Eva cry it all on her shoulder, and tries not to think about her feelings, to no avail.

She doesn’t know what to feel, honestly. On one hand she’s quite happy that Eva didn’t really think about Jonas and kissed another person (and she feels guilty about that), on the other that person was Penetrator Chris, which, seriously? And Eva felt so guilty about it, and that wasn’t good.

Not for Eva, let alone for Noora.

“It’s not necessarily what to do, I think, but maybe how to deal with your choices.” Noora wishes someone else was there to talk to Eva. Maybe Sana, who was so firm with Vilde about William. Sana surely would tell Eva to break things off with Jonas and rethink her own life. Or something like that.

At her words, Eva redoubles her sobs, and it’s a while before she’s calm enough to speak. Noora feels kind of shitty.

“How could I let that happen, I wasn’t even drunk!”

Noora’s phone vibrates with an incoming messages, and she shut it without even looking at the notification. “Eva, it’s not your fault. You didn’t _let it happen_ , you were weak and you had just talked to Ingrid who lied to you, and dude caught the opportunity. Don’t think you’re the only person to blame here.”

Eva nodded. “Yes, but. Still, Noora. I fucked up all my friendship circle because of Jonas, and now I’m fucking up Jonas because of… what? And what does that say about me?”

“Nothing, Eva. You’re more than this. But you’re human, and humans make mistakes all the time. Don’t hold yourself to impossible standards.”

Eva nods, and looks at Noora with eyes full of tears. “It’s easy to know that rationally, though. But I still have to deal with the consequences of my actions, namely I lost Ingrid and Sara, and now I don’t know what will happen with Jonas.”

Noora just hugs her again, and takes a deep breath. “You can sleep here tonight, if you want? So you don’t have to go back to yours and be alone.”

Eva smiles gratefully in returns. “Thanks, Nooramor. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Noora has to turn her head away from Eva and hope her heart is not beating too fast.

 

Søndag, 01:37

The message says _Noora, cariño, no os odiamos y nunca podríamos. Definitivamente necesitamos hablar, si tenéis tiempo para una sesión de skype mañana por la noche, sería genial._ _Os amamos muchísimo. María y Ale_

Noora tucks her head in Eva’s hair from where she’s spooning her, and cries.

 

Søndag, 20:13

Noora opens skype for the first time in almost four months, and takes a deep breath. She tried not to psyche herself up, but now that she sees that María and Alejandra are already online and probably waiting for her, she can’t avoid clutching her tea mug to her chest and hope with all her being that everything is going to be well.

Everything will be okay, she will talk with them and maybe they won’t be friend anymore after this, but at least she will get closure. She deserves closure, if nothing else.

She answers the video call with shaky fingers, and two smiling faces appear in her laptop screen.

“ _¡Cariño, cuánto tiempo sin verte!_ ” Says Alejandra, and she’s smiling so big that her eyes are almost closed.

A smile breaks into Noora’s face, and she hurriedly wipes of a tear threatening to run down her cheeks. “ _Hola_.”

 

Mandag, 06:05

Everything is good. Everything is _really_ good, and Noora wakes up to good morning messages in the group chat she had with María and Ale, still called _Compañeras_ , from which she didn’t have the heart to exit. She smiles and answer before getting out of bed for her morning coffee.

The talk she had was not only cathartic, but it gave her back two people she believed she’d lost. She started crying five minutes in the conversation, when they were still exchanging pleasantries, and babbled her excuses for having betrayed their trust and all that jazz.

She got two very serious and stern faces in returns, and she really thought everything was going to end then and there, but then she learnt that they had broken off things with Paula and they weren’t on speaking terms anymore. And how could they, after what she’d done? Their friendship and love for Noora wasn’t a conditional thing, it was very real, and it wasn’t her fault if she had doubted it, of course, since Paula was older and she did fucked up shit, and it broke their heart that she decided not to talk to them but to flee, but they respected her decision and they hoped that she was good in Oslo, and that she could go back to Madrid even only for a visit. Or they could come visiting too, if she’d liked.

At the end of the talk Noora was crying so much that Eskild barged into her room to see if she was having problems, and she finished the talk while she was in a bear hug. Not like Eskild new a comma of Spanish anyway, but having him cuddle her was comforting.

So yeah, she ended up inviting them in Oslo for New Year.

Everything is good, and she feels like a huge weight was just lifted from her shoulders. She can solve everything, one thing at time.

 

Mandag, 11:32

Vilde is separating the ingredients of her salad maniacally. She made a quadrant, and she’s putting everything in a corner separating the non-caloric things from the caloric ones. Noora is having flashbacks. “What are you doing on your plate, Vilde?”

She can see that Vilde doesn’t expect to be called out, or for the attention to be on what she’s doing on her plate, and she knows that it can be counterproductive, but also she can’t keep seeing that, not when she’s so much better, not when she finally feels like she can do things without relapsing.

“I’m just sorting my salad.” Vilde’s smile is too big and innocent to be real, and Noora’s heart breaks a bit.

“I don’t think you have to sort it anymore.” She looks at Vilde painstakingly take a piece of tomato towards her mouth, and chewing it slowly, losing her smile. Tomatoes have only 20kcal every 100 grams, it’s not healthy if she only eats those.

Noora doesn’t know what to do. She could cook for Vilde too, since she’s already cooking for herself; that would at least mean one good meal per day. It’s not much but it’s a start.

It can’t be everything though. Vilde has to lose her obsession for William, and she needs to do it fast, or this could end badly. “When should we talk about what happened on the Halloween party? William and Sara hooked up.”

Vilde is once again like a deer in the headlights. “Who are they?” She asks nervously. “It was a hook up party, everybody hooked up with each other. Penetrator Henrik hooked up with Frida feom 1STE, and Chris too. Penetrator Chris hooked up with someone too. And William and Sara, yes.”

Noora feels Eva going rigid beside her and tries her best to maintain a poker face.

“Wh—who did he hook up with?” Eva is almost stammering, and Noora puts a hand on her knee, squeezing hard. She means it at a comforting gesture, but she leaves it longer than necessary.

It’s just so warm and amazing, even through her jeans.

“I don’t know, I just heard that he hooked up with someone.” Vilde is obviously happy that she’s not the centre of attention anymore, and Noora leaves it for now.

Of course, since everything was already going so nicely, Jonas chooses that moment to arrive, and Eva throws herself at him in guilt. They kiss a lot, and Noora looks around the table, where everyone is sporting a half-amused face, and then at Isak’s expression, which mirrors her own feelings.

Isak looks So Done with everything, and like he wishes he could not be there to assist to the scene. Noora can relate really well, but she prides herself in being more subtle than that. She idly wonders why does Isak feel like this.

 

Mandag, 20:48

“How do you come out to people?”

Eskild sips his tea and shrugs. “There is not really a way to do it. You can do it in bits and pieces, or all at once. You can think about it, or you can barge in your flatmate’s room and yell at him to take you to a gay bar.”

Noora laughs and elbows him lightly. “Yes, but seriously though. How does one come out?”

“Are you thinking of coming out to more people?” Noora can see Eskild smiling behind the rim of his mug, and she nods.

“The talk with María and Ale went so well, and I thought they hated me. I want to try.”

Eskild takes another sip of his tea. “I mean, Noora, I really can’t tell you what is the best way to come out to someone. What I can tell you is that I can be behind you in case something goes wrong, and we can take down the homophobes together.”

Noora grins and turns her head back to the tv. She’s enduring Paradise Hotel only because she loves Eskild. “I’ll hold you to that, Guru.”

Eskild just snuggles up to her, and keeps drinking his tea.

 

Tirsdag, 15:01

“Sana, can we talk?” Noora feels more stable than when she barged in Eskild’s room to yell at him that she was queer, and she’s also reassured by the talk they had.

Sana closes her book and nods. “Absolutely, tell me whatever you have to tell me.”

“Yes, I—” her voice dies a little, and she has to clear it. Her heart is beating really fast, and she has to remember she’s got Eskild in the fast calls of her phone, and he promised her he could absolutely skip his uni classes to come and be with her if things were especially bad. And Ale and María both told her she could message them in every moment of the day on the group chat.

She’s got a safety net. She has.

“I—honestly, you probably already know about that, don’t you? I’m. I like girls. I’m queer.” Noora lets out the breath she was holding, and looks at Sana in trepidation.

Sana purses her lips. “That’s cool. You’re cool. Is it only girls or?”

“Uh,” Noora looks at Sana. She’s smiling sweetly, and it’s a strange facial expression for her, but it makes Noora feel somewhat warm. “Not only girls, not really. But mostly girls, yes. With the occasional boy thrown in it.”

Sana’s smile widens. “That’s great, honestly.” She gives Noora a side-hug, and Noora throws her head back and laughs, elated.

“Thank you for being cool with it, really. It’s kind of difficult to tell people.”

“I can promise you that if there’s something who’s not cool with that I’m going to fuck them up personally. They will regret being alive,” Sana says, and Noora has to blink rapidly to avoid any tear spilling. She’s already crying too much these days.

She’s so lucky to have friends who accept her for what she is, and after all that happened in Madrid she really can’t believe it. She can’t believe she gets to be herself and with people who love her.

“Eskild my flatmate said that too, you can squad up if you want.”

Sana laughs and nods thoughtfully. “We could be an amazing protection squad for everyone who tries to come for you, just wait and see.”

 

Tirsdag, 18:59

_Message from Sana Bakkoush: And btw I’m happy I meet you all at school. You’re a bunch of cool people and you make me feel accepted. Never think that I would reject you for something as flimsy as you not being straight._

 

Torsdag, 13:20

“If you think I look at you as if you’re some trophy, you’re wrong. Because you’re not good enough.” William looks at Vilde dead in the eyes when he says that, and he keeps looking at her while she lowers her head and walks away.

Noora is literally fuming. She’s sure there is smoke coming out of her ears, and she’s sure everybody can see it. Vilde finally found the courage to speak up about the shitty way she was treated, and this pissbaby doesn’t even have any expression on his face while he crushes her like she’s not even a person. Like she’s not even worth his anything, after having fucked her demanding not to use a condom.

Noora is enraged. She takes a deep breath, school her face into a sardonic expression and steps up in front of him. “My, what an awesome guy you are!”

William looks at her expressionless, unmoving. “Who are you?”

She ignores him and laughs humourlessly. “What happened that made you have such a large inferiority complex that you have to piss on the feelings of a first year girl to make you feel cool?” She gives him an once-over, making sure she looks as unimpressed as possible. William just looks a bit grossed out, and she raises her eyebrows. “Were you never validated as a child? Did mommy never compliment your drawings? Or did daddy never come to one of your graduations?”

William has started to smile acridly, and she pushes more. “Did you not have hair on your dick in 7 th  grade and you got bullied for it?”

He looks like he could start speaking. She doesn’t let him do that, he doesn’t have the right to speak after what he said to Vilde. “Anyway, you have to seriously get over it and start to behave like a human. Stop walking around like a fucking cliché.”

William is full-on smiling now, like those guys who tell girls _oh you’re so cute when you’re angry_. Fuck him, really.

Noora raises her chin in challenge, and shoulders past him going after Vilde.

Fucking William.

 

She finds Vilde in the bathroom at the first floor, crying her eyes out, with all her makeup running down her cheeks. She doesn’t even speak, she doesn’t think she has nice words to console her, she just hugs her as tight as she can, and, upon seeing the others entering the bathroom, she encourages them to join in, effectively making it a group hug. They stay there for a bit, neither of them really say anything, but when Vilde looks calm enough, Chris smirks. “Noora destroyed that piece of shit for you, dude. She got your back.”

Vilde laughs, surprised. “What even did you tell him?”

Noora speaks from Vilde’s neck, half crushed between hers and Eva’s body. She’s a bit lightheaded but she kind of. Feels like she’s in paradise right now. “That he didn’t have hair on his dick and people bullied him for that.”

“It was amazing,” says Sana, and Noora recognises it as a peace offering. Vilde must have recognised it too, because she just laughs and nods.

“Okay, get off my back, you all. I have to retouch my makeup and you’re crushing me.”

Noora can’t deny her disappointment in not being crushed between Eva and Vilde anymore, but she’ll live with it, honestly. What’s important now is that Vilde is smiling, albeit tremulously, and retouching her makeup. She looks at Eva smiling, and Eva smiles back.

Maybe she can work the courage to tell her too, soon.

 

Fredag, 18:30

“ _And when you told me that you hated my friends, the only problem was with you and not them_.” Noora is twirling in the kitchen, Justin Bieber latest album playing from the speakers, and she’s again cooking for everyone. She’s making a big veggie pizza to share among everyone (The final result should have 2600kcal but they’ll share, it’s okay) and she’s currently in the process of cutting the cherry tomatoes in half. She has already sliced the courgettes and took off the pits from the Greek olives. Eskild is been bugging her for paella and churros, but she’s firm. She will cook Spanish when María and Ale will be in Oslo, that way Eskild will have his real taste of Spanish cooking and all that.

And the paella is not even a Madrid typical dish, Eskild really has to revise his Spain knowledge. (“I took German in high school, you can’t blame me.”)

She just feel so much happier that she was feeling merely two weeks ago. She came out to two people, mended things with other two, and she got to defend a friend against a piece of shit pissbaby… her life is pretty good at the moment. She’s smiling just thinking about it.

“You complain because I make you see Paradise Hotel, and then turn around and listen to Justin Bieber, Noora? Really?” Eskild is standing on the threshold, and he looks genuinely betrayed.

Noora just points her knife towards him. “You either keep talking, or you’ll eat something this evening. Your choice.”

Eskild raises his eyebrows and then belts out: “ _So if you like the way you look that much…_ ”

Noora laughs and keeps cutting cherry tomatoes. “Exactly. You better.”

Eskild takes a bottle of wine from the fridge, and uncorks it. “I know you don’t drink, but I’m having my aperitif.”

Noora smiles. “You do what you want, just don’t give it to me.”

Eskild is trying to put the bottle under her nose when Linn enters the kitchen. “You two are really loud, honestly.”

“Well, Linn,” goes Eskild. “You could complain. _Or_ you could be grateful that Noora is making us dinner, what do you choose?”

Linn raises an eyebrow, sardonic. “I choose to be grateful that Noora is making dinner _and_ complain that you two made me leave my room to tell you off. Will that work?”

“The pizza will be ready in forty minutes, give or take. Just be out of your room by then.” Noora smiles, and goes back to work.

After all, she’s going clubbing with Eskild, she needs to get ready after dinner, and she already knows she won’t have enough time to do that.

 

Onsdag, 14:28

“I just feel really guilty, I guess. I wonder if I should tell him.” They’re sitting on the bench outside school, and Eva is wearing her super cute faux fur coat. “I mean I asked Penetrator Chris not to tell anyone, but I wonder if it’s the right tactic, if I should just tell him and be done with it.”

Noora shakes her head. “I mean, it depends on how you feel. You should tell him, but are you ready to bear what will come next? Are you sure you want to know?”

“Honestly? No, not really. But what does not telling him make me, Noora? That’s not the right thing to do, not at all.” Eva looks sad, and guilty, but decided.

Noora doesn’t answer, and they keep watching people moving around the school. There are two guys holding hands, and the more Noora looks at them, the more she _longs_ for something domestic and tender for her too.

“You know what’s funny,” says Eva. “That when Jonas was with Ingrid, he used not to care when she kissed me at parties. But I know he will care about me kissing Chris, because Chris is a boy.”

Noora doesn’t catch it at first, because she’s still thinking about the boys holding hands, and she’s only half listening to Eva talking, because while she doesn’t want to be a bad friend, she’s also harbouring the worst crush on her life and listening to her crush talking about her boyfriend is Not Cool.

So she catches that after a moment of silence, in which Eva just bites her lips and looks forward, and then her voice is probably three tones too high, but she doesn’t really care. “Kissing Ingrid?”

Eva glances at Noora. “Yeah, we used to make out a lot at parties, Ingrid, Sara and me. Granted, we were drunk and I really wasn’t on Halloween, but also I didn’t _make out_ with Chris, it was just a small kiss.”

Noora is speechless. She opens and closes her mouth a couple of times, trying to think of what to say, but she’s too shocked to process properly the fact that Eva has _kissed girls_ already, and she has done it _multiple times_.

Eva must think she’s disapproving, because she goes bashful and tucks her hair behind her ear. “I mean, you—you don’t seem that cool with that, are you cool with that?”

Noora forces herself to take a deep breath, or she will freak out Eva even more. “Of course I am! I’m—I’m sorry, it’s just a bit to process, because—” yes, because what? She can tell Eva now, probably. If she used to _kiss girls_ regularly she can’t be too bad at that.

She might need some courage and light stuff before that, though.

“You want to know a secret?” She asks Eva, and Eva raises her eyebrows questioningly. Noora takes out her iPod, and gives one earphone to Eva. “Promise you won’t hold it against me?”

Eva snorts, and shakes her head. “Of course. Hit me.”

She put the earphone on, and Noora presses play. Justin Bieber starts going _oh whoaaah_ and Eva erupts in a shocked laugh.

“Justin Bieber, Noora? Really?”

Noora shrugs. “ _You know you love me, I know you care_ ,” she sings, and enjoys the way Eva keeps laughing. “You promised to keep it a secret, remember.”

“I promised, true,” Eva says, mirth in her eyes. “But I never promised not to laugh. And I fully intend to keep laughing.”

“ _And I was like, baby, baby, baby, ooh_!” Noora sings in Eva’s ears and laughs when she recoils, lightly slapping her on the shoulder.

She feels less shocked than she felt before, at least.

“You want to know another secret?” She voluntarily doesn’t stop the song or take away the phone. She need all the courage she’s going to get. Because Eva is not like Sana, Eva is like Paula, and look how that went last time.

She forces herself to stop thinking about it, lest she backtracks, and she thinks of Sana promising to making every single homophobe regretting to be alive, and Eskild appointing himself as her guru, and María and Ale who are coming on New Year and they made her promise to go clubbing together so she can show them the queer life in Oslo.

“You’re sure you’re not doing it just to distract me from the fact that you like Justin Bieber?” Eva asks, still half laughing.

Noora just shakes her head. “Cross my heart.”

She waits for Eva to looks at her, and then she raises her gaze. It’ll be easier if she doesn’t have to look at her. “You know why I was surprised that you liked to kiss girls?”

“Because… you didn’t think that I would have been one to get drunk at parties and make out with people?” Eva asks, her voice a bit insecure.

Noora closes her eyes and shakes her head. “Absolutely not, you can do what you want and I support your free will.” She takes a deep breath, and balls her hands into fists. “I was surprised because I like to kiss girls. In a—” She has to clear her voice, and for a moment she thinks she can’t make it, but the truth is already half out, and she pushes herself a bit. “In a gay way.”

She doesn’t want to open her eyes, and she doesn’t want to look at Eva. She lets a couple of seconds pass and then she clarifies: “Or, more like, in a queer way, because I still like boys, just a whole lot less than girls.”

Still nothing on Eva’s part. The song is finished, and Noora takes off her earphone, eyes still closed.

“Oh, come on, would you _look_ at me?” Eva sounds… amused. That’s positive, maybe.

As soon as Noora looks at her, Eva is taking her face between her hands, her thumbs caressing Noora’s cheeks. Her heart skips a beat.

“Listen, Noora Amalie Sætre. You’re the best person I know. I love you. I love you a lot. I don’t know what I’d do without you, and I don’t know where I’d be. You’re honestly the coolest person I know, and the fact that you fall in love with girls makes you even cooler, if that’s possible.” She gets closer to Noora’s face, and Noora can see her glancing at her lips. Her stomach is doing somersaults. “Never doubt that you’re so much cooler because of that. Because you are.”

Noora might be crying a bit. Who knows. “Thanks, Eva. It means a lot to me. Thanks.”

They hug a bit, and Noora can breathe again. Finally.

“Soo, Justin Bieber is actually your shameful secret.” Eva bats her Eyelashes at her, and Noora throws her head back and laughs.

She hears steps getting closer, and she opens her eyes, her head still thrown back. William is looking at her and smiling lightly. “Justin Bieber? Cool.”

Noora purses her lips and nods, without looking at him. She glances at Eva, and sees Eva incredulous. “Whatever, it’s not like I need to explain myself to you, really.”

William sits close to her, without missing a beat. He still has that smile on his face, and he starts staring at her. Amazing, really.

At least he just heard the Justin Bieber part, and not the coming out part. “Is there something you want?”

He doesn’t stop smiling despite her dry tone. “Will you come home with me to do homework?”

Noora raises her eyebrows, mockingly. Is he serious? “Excuse me, Wilhelm—” She starts, getting his name wrong on purpose.

“William,” he interrupts without missing a beat, _and without stopping to smile_. It’s starting to become creepy.

Noora lets two seconds pass without saying anything, a put-on smile on her face. “That pretty much answers the question, don’t you think?”

“Which question?”

Noora looks at Eva and raises her eyebrows. _Can you believe?_

Eva’s answering sardonic smile says that yes, unfortunately she can.

“I don’t even know your name. So…” She makes a face, and turns again towards Eva.

“You can call me what you want,” says William, and really, didn’t Noora tell him to stop walking around like a fucking cliché? Did he even listen to her? Apparently not.

“I’m calling you asshole, then.” Noora sighs and closes her eyes. William ruined her moment with Eva and he can’t even get a hint.

At those words, William snorts, and adjusts his fringe a bit. Noora’s almost tempted to throw her arms up in the hair and scream _finally, a facial expression_ , but she would rather not. Too much energy wasted on him.

“So, are you coming then?”

Noora actually snorts. Is he fucking serious? “I thought I answered quite clearly, but since you can’t seem to get a hint… Nope.”

William laughs like the joke’s on her, and then he gets up. “Let me know when you change your mind.”

Noora smiles. When hell freezes, probably. “Go home and wait for it.”

She looks at him walking to his car, still with the creepy smile in place. “Who the hell does he think he is? Couldn’t he sense the Gay?” She exclaims, genuinely flabbergasted.

At those words, Eva throws her head back and laughs loudly. “I think Eskild is rubbing off on you, Noora. Not like that!” She goes on when she sees Noora’s grossed out face. “Oh my god! Not like that!”

Noora puts her arm around Eva, and shakes her a bit. “Maybe it’s better if you don’t talk for a bit. After that I really don’t want to hear anything.”

Eva just laughs, and Noora follows her soon enough.

 

Fredag, 17:03

Eva is standing on the threshold of Noora’s bedroom, Eskild just right behind her. Again, her eyes are rimmed red, but she looks better than she did last week.

Noora closes her copy of _Et dukkehjem_ and raises her eyebrows. Her heart starts beating a mile per minute, but what’s new. “Eva?”

“I broke up with Jonas.” Eva’s voice breaks a bit, but her expression is determined. “I had a talk with him, and we broke up.”

Eskild leaves silently, and Eva enters the bedroom and closes the door behind her. She throws herself on the bed and she snuggles up to Noora, her head on Noora’s chest.

Noora tries to breathe deeply to stop her heart from beating too fast, but to no avail. She just hopes Eva can’t hear it, because she’s not stupid, and she would put two and two together. She starts caressing Eva’s hair to get her hands busy, and Eva squeezes her waist. Noora’s breath is short.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?”

She feels Eva nodding on her boob. “Nothing much to say, really. I told him what happened, and why it happened. He told me he should have expected it, because I was already acting so random, and that he can’t understand who I am anymore. He—” Eva stops, and sniffs a bit. “He said I was with him only because I wanted to steal him from Ingrid, and now I stopped wanting him because my new friends are into third year guys. That’s not fucking true, Noora.”

Noora keeps caressing Eva’s hair. “Of course it’s not. What a fucking imbecile.”

“He said I don’t have a personality, and just follow what everyone else wants. And I asked him if that’s true, why is he even with me.” Eva sniffs again, takes out a tissue to dry her eyes. “He just stayed silent, so I told him that if that’s what it was, then it was better to close everything then and there.”

There’s a pause, interrupted only by Eva’s sniffling. “And now everything’s finished?”

Noora feels Eva shrugs. “I think we still have to talk it out, but yeah. When I said that he just shrugged and I just left.”

“You could have told him that he wasn’t that angry about Ingrid making out with you and Sara,” Noora smiles and looks at the ceiling, and hears Eva’s wet chuckle.

“I’ll have to talk to him again for sure, sooner rather than later. I can absolutely bring it up.”

Noora feels… elated. She knows it’s not the Right Feeling to have about a friend breaking up with her boyfriend, but she can’t even manage to feel guilty about it. It wasn’t even a good relationship anyway, they were always arguing, and even if Eva won’t ever be with Noora, she’s surely better off without Jonas. “And how are you feeling?”

“Surprisingly… not as bad as I thought I would feel.” Eva’s still sniffling, and that hinders the impact of what she says.

Noora snorts, and scratch her behind her ear. “It’s okay if you feel bad, you know.”

“No, no, I know. It’s just.” Eva pauses, sits on the bed and blows her nose. She looks right at Noora. “I thought I would have felt lost without him. And it’s not true. I’m sad because it ended, but I’m not desperate.”

Noora shrugs; Eva is beautiful even with her nose red and her eyes swollen from crying. “It might mean you weren’t really destined to be, then.”

Eva chuckles. “Destiny and serendipity are both bullshit. But it surely does mean that we’re better off separate than together.”

Noora smiles up at the ceiling. “Let’s make popcorn and watch _10 Things I Hate About You_ , what do you say to that?”

 

Mandag, 11:20

“I made food for you, Vilde,” Noora says categorically. She gives her the Tupperware without even let her reply. Inside, a cous cous salad with perhaps more calories than Noora usually indulges on herself, but she doesn’t think Vilde’s balance will suffer.

She doesn’t think Vilde’s eating at all, to be honest. And she hopes she can just make her eat it all and then stop her right then and there to prevent a possible trip to the bathroom, because she wouldn’t know how to handle that, to be honest, since Noora’s eating disorder was restrictive and not bulimic.

And she’s ready to skip next lesson if it means staying with Vilde and distracting her, if only for her peace of mind and nothing else.

Vilde takes the Tupperware hesitantly, and opens it slowly. “What did you put in it?”

“Only healthy things, I promise.” Noora doesn’t leave room for discussion and opens her Tupperware. “We can have a friendship lunch this way, and we’ll eat the same thing!”

Vilde smiles bashfully, and starts dissecting her salad. Noora purses her lips. She’s tempted to tell her that she won’t budge till Vilde has eaten it all, but probably that would do more harm than good. So she just digs into her own salad and tries not to look at Vilde, just let her gaze roam. “So, how is the russ thing going? Still want to throw someone out?”

Vilde chuckles. “Nah, I quite like you all. And where would you go without me making your bus fantastic?”

Noora elbows Vilde lightly, and she’s still not totally fond of her, not yet. But she thinks they could get there. And she can’t wait for it.

 

Tirsdag, 17:55

_Message from +4732057960077: I saw you at school today_

_Message from +4732057960077: you were fucking beautiful_

 

Onsdag, 17:58

“When did you realise you liked girls?” Eva asks suddenly.

Noora raises her head from her books. They’re supposed to be studying together, but Eva is just lying on her bed, doing nothing but staring at the ceiling. “I don’t really remember. I mean, I got crushes on everyone already in elementary school, so maybe that was a thing to consider.”

Eva chuckles. “No, seriously.”

Noora makes a face. “I _am_ serious. It was all really natural, I discovered that not everybody felt like me when I was 12, probably. I told people my crush was Hermione Granger, and they started looking at me a bit funny.”

Eva is silent for a bit, and Noora lowers her head again. They have a lot of Spanish homework, and Eva should start doing it.

“And have you ever… kissed a girl?”

Noora looks up again. Eva is feigning disinterest, but she’s twisting her hands nervously, and her gaze is fixated on the ceiling too much to be natural. Noora’s heart picks up a bit. “Once or twice, but it was a bit of time ago, and never for serious things.”

She’d kissed middle school friends after what happened with her ex, before her eating disorder would pick up and made her parents hospitalise her, and then she met Amira in there and that made her relapse and her parents send her to Madrid, officially for a change in atmosphere. Unofficially because they couldn’t deal with her.

“And how did it feel?”

Noora stops a bit, thinks about it. “Honestly, depends on the person I guess. Everybody has a unique way to kiss, and if you have chemistry with the person you’re kissing, then it will make you feel fuzzy inside.”

Eva laughs and finally looks at Noora. “Fuzzy. That’s the best word you could come up with. Fuzzy.”

Noora rolls her eyes playfully. “Fuzzy, or butterfly in your stomach, however you want to call it. The point is that like, I know for a fact my friends didn’t feel like I did.”

Eva hums thoughtfully. “And your parents?”

Noora snorts, and she knows her voice is much harder when she answers: “My parents didn’t really care about me. Still don’t.”

Other people would probably have doubted what Noora said, but Eva just nods, the remanence of her smile leaving her face. “I’m sorry, that must suck.”

“I mean, yes but I got used to it. I don’t live with them anymore and I’ve got friends to supply.” Noora shrugs, and goes back to her homework.

A moment later, she’s taken by her waist and dragged on her bed with Eva. She squeaks in surprise, and stays absolutely unmoving while Eva hugs her tightly.

“I know you love to downplay shit, Noora. But not with me. Not with me.”

Noora sighs and tries to hide a smile. She knows Eva’s seen her because she feels the hug become tighter. “It’s really okay, though. Like, I know I was a mistake, and they were too preoccupied with each other to really love me. I’ve accepted it.”

Eva kisses her hair, and starts caressing her slowly. “The fact that you accepted it doesn’t mean it can’t hurt though. It’s okay if it does.”

Noora smiles and wipes off a stray tear. “Yes. Thank you.”

 

Fredag, 12:30

“I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE IT.”

Noora holds her travel mug and buries her face in Eva’s neck to mask her laughter. Eva squeezes the back of her neck and presses her mouth on her hair, shaking with laughter too.

“I WAS AT THAT FUCKING PARTY AND YOU WENT BEHIND MY BACK. WHAT THE FUCK.”

Penetrator Chris stands in the middle of the schoolyard, his gaze lowered to the ground and his posture meek, and his girlfriend stands erect in front of him, looking furious.

“AND NOT WITH ONE, BUT WITH TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE! I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT.”

Noora raises an eyebrow and begrudgingly detaches herself from Eva. “Two people?” She whispers. Eva looks as lost as she feels.

“I’m not sure? Maybe Iben heard it from another person?”

Noora shakes her head. “Penetrator Chris told her just before she started screaming, you weren’t paying attention.”

“DO YOU THINK I’M THAT STUPID?”

“At least he did that, though? I mean, I feel really guilty because Iben was so cool to me, but at least Chris told her.” Eva bites her lower lip, and Noora tracks the movement. She doesn’t say anything.

There are some of Chris’ friends from the Penetrators, and they’re watching the scene with faces varying from amusement to horror.

“Well, good thing she didn’t take it out on you, though.” Noora smiles and Eva nods.

“WE’RE DONE, CHRISTOFFER. DONE.”

 

Fredag, 17:07

_Message from Eva Mohn: okay for one u won’t belieb who’s the other one chris hooked up w/_

_Message from Eva Mohn: INGRID_

_Message from Eva Mohn: I talked to her before going back home and I think we’re_

_Message from Eva Mohn: I mean not okay but_

_Message from +4732057960077: I saw you looking at me this morning_

_Message from Eva Mohn: you know_

_Message from Eva Mohn: as okay as we can be_

_Message from Eva Mohn: she doesn’t hate me anymore, I guess_

_Message from +4732057960077: you can pick what we’re doing for our date_

_Message from Eva Mohn: I also… talked with Jonas_

_Message from Eva Mohn: I think we’re finally done_

_Message from +4732057960077: because I’m feeling magnanimous ;)_

_Message from Eva Mohn: I also got the best break-up sex ever_

_Message from Eva Mohn: but more important than that_

_Message from Eva Mohn: I told him I was wrong in choosing him over my friendship with Ingrid_

_Message from Eva Mohn: he accepted it_

_Message from Eva Mohn: one more thing_

_Message from +4732057960077: I know you want it_

_Message from Eva Mohn: there has been a prob at Isak’s_

_Message from Eva Mohn: and he called Jonas when we were together so I’m now w/ them_

_Message from Eva Mohn: and I’m probs gonna be here a while so if u don’t hear from me_

_Message from Eva Mohn: it’s bc of that_

_Message from Eva Mohn: I love u babe. A lot. <3 _

 

Mandag, 11:50

Vilde is playing with the food she has in her plate, not really eating. It’s just her, Eva and Noora, and Noora doesn’t know what to do. She feels a stab in her stomach, and tries not to think about it. “Vilde…”

Vilde knows she’s being called out, she knows it. She looks like a deer caught in the headlights, and she shrugs awkwardly. “I’m not really hungry.”

Noora swallows around her mouthful of salad, and thinks about the fact that she should have brought some to Vilde too. “Vilde, you’re very pretty. You really are.” She pauses, then she goes with what her therapist used to tell her, in Madrid. “Pretty doesn’t mean a twig. Pretty comes in all shapes and sizes.”

Vilde’s gaze turns bitter. “It’s easy to say that for you, isn’t it?” She looks Noora up and down, as far as the canteen table allows her. “You stuff yourself with chocolate all day, and you’re still model thin. Not everybody has it easy like you have it, Noora.”

Noora freezes at those words, and she can feel her stomach turning and her rage rising. She tries to think about the fact that Vilde doesn’t know what she went through, and that from her point of view it’s a perfectly reasonable answer, and it’s only because of that that when she speaks, her voice is calm and low, and not an endless scream.

“You could tell that to me when they had to hospitalise me because I wasn’t eating. I’m sure the person weighing 35kgs would have loved to hear how easy she had it. Especially when they were feeding her via IV. Of course, Vilde. Naturally.”

She closes her Tupperware and puts it back in her bag. She’s not hungry anymore. “Have a good day, I guess.”

 

Mandag, 12:50

“I’m sorry.” Vilde is standing on the door of the bathroom stall, looking awkward. “I didn’t know.”

Noora shrugs from the toilet seat where she’s perched, wipes her tears and smiles. “It’s okay. I might have overreacted.”

Vilde takes that as an invitation to get in, and closes the door behind her. “That’s not true though. I mean I’m—I’m not eating well and I know. And I’m struggling to keep the food in my stomach right in this moment, but—” She stops, a bit unsure. Noora jerks her head to make her keep talking. “But you were hospitalised. That’s worse.”

Noora looks at her hands. “It’s just more time spent with an eating disorder, I think. I’ve had it for eight months before my parents realised.”

“Can I ask—?” Vilde waves her hands, and Noora nods. She owes it to Vilde.

“Yes, it’s not—not a glamorous story, I guess. I was with a boy, and then this boy used me in the worst possible way,” she looks at Vilde meaningfully, and sees the realisation dawn on her. “And when he left me I just… stopped eating. I felt like I wasn’t worth it. And then my parents discovered it and I was hospitalised. And they sent me to Madrid for a change of air.” She makes a face. “Or something, I guess.”

More than a _change of air_ it was that they couldn’t be bothered to care about Noora, but she doesn’t want to add to what she already said. And anyway, the change of air was good for her, and the therapy too. And she probably would have stayed in Madrid if it wasn’t for Paula.

“I—I understand.” Vilde bites her lip, and looks like she’s about to cry. “I understand why you did what you did, I swear I do. But still, I still feel unworthy and like there is a problem with me, even if rationally I understand.”

Noora stands up, and wraps Vilde in a fierce hug. “I get it, I really do. It took me a long fucking time to get out of that mindset. And I had the help of a professional.”

Vilde sniffles a bit in Noora’s neck, and doesn’t talk, just squeezes her and ricks a bit on her heels.

“We can do one thing though, Vilde?” Noora presses a kiss to her hair, and sways a bit with her. “We can do that I cook lunch for you for a bit, and you can come to mine to learn how to cook healthy stuff, since I’m really into that.” She kisses her hair again. “Okay? What do you say to that?”

Vilde looks at her without leaving the hug, and smiles a bit. “Okay, we’ll—we’ll try.” She touches her hair self-consciously. “Did you leave lipstick on my hair?”

Indeed, Noora did. She makes a face. “Oops?”

 

Mandag, 18:36

_Message from +4732057960077: except bowling, that would be cliché_

_Message from +4732057960077: unless you like cliché?_

_Message from Eva Mohn: Iben told me she’s organising a party for girls and 1_ _st_ _year guys on Friday, 20:30_

_Message from Eva Mohn: can you tell it to Chris and Sana? Vilde’s already set._

 

Torsdag, 18:59

Noora is officially moping, and she feels really stupid for that. It’s just that Eva hasn’t talked to her since Friday, and hasn’t texted her since Monday. She understands that now Eva is going out of her way to stay with Isak because of his family trouble—nothing got out in school, but Isak looks tired and pale, and he barely eats at lunch. Noora can see Jonas and Eva at his side like two shields, never leaving him.

So yeah, it’s not like she doesn’t understand, but also she really wishes Eva would take a moment in the day to text her or something.

“You’re moping. I don’t like it.” Eskild watches her with his eyebrows raised. “Do we have to go out again? Is it another coming out? If you’re coming out as a My Little Pony fan I’m not talking to you ever again.”

Noora laughs begrudgingly. “Nothing of the sorts, Eskild.”

Eskild closes the door behind him and throws himself on Noora’s bed. “Do you want to talk about it, then?”

“I mean, it’s not that I don’t want, but—” Noora shrugs awkwardly, and leaves it at that. Eskild doesn’t ask anymore, just hugs her and intertwines their legs.

Noora picks her book back up, and tries to keep reading, but her mind goes back to Eva, and Eva, and Eva again, so she sighs and closes it. “Okay, I like someone.”

A slow smirk spreads on Eskild’s face, and he squeezes Noora a bit harder. “Oh, speak again bright angel.”

Noora hits him lightly with her book. “Har har. Please, tell me again about your sex adventures, I would love to hear them.”

“Are you sure? Because my latest one involves a cucumber and a—” Noora shrieks and kicks Eskild hard, making him bark out a pained laugh. “I’m joking! Jeez, I swear I’m joking!”

She bites his arm just to make him remember his place. “I’ll never eat cucumbers again, thanks to you.”

Eskild massages his arm and blows her a kiss, feigning innocence. “So, about that someone you like…”

She rolls her eyes. “Eva. Eva is that someone I like. Happy now?”

“Truly.” Eskild smooches her on her cheek, and tugs her close to him. “Is it bad?”

She sighs and shrugs. “I don’t know. She’s probably straight. Not as bad as it can get, but still, you know. Pretty bad.”

He makes a face. “Straight. Uh. Okay. I mean—okay.”

“What?” Noora rolls her eyes. “Is that your weird obsession again according to which everybody you like isn’t straight?”

Eskild laughs and looks meaningfully at her. “I mean, worked out with you, didn’t it?”

 

Lørdag, 08:43

Noora is woken up by the incessant vibrating on her phone. She remembered to charge it after yesterday’s party, and it’s a first, and she curses herself for that.

It was a nice party, they all talked and hung out, and there was a bit of alcohol involved. She got to play the guitar in front of everyone, and she discovered Vilde knows how to play too. It was nice, better than those parties with the third years where everyone tried to hook up, and was drunk out of their arse. It was just logical that she ended up staying till late, and she went to bed at 3:30. She can’t be woken up this early.

It’s Eva. Eva who yesterday stuck close to Isak as always, greeting her and the rest of her friends warmly but politely, and then promptly proceeding to ignore them for the rest of the night. There’s a long series of missed calls and one message. It says, _I’m at your door. Pls let me in?_

Noora rubs her eyes tiredly, and it’s only because she feels particularly magnanimous that she gets up, and goes shivering to the door to open it. She would put up a pleasant face, but she slept too little for it. It’s not like her heart isn’t beating fast anyway, but she’s learning to ignore that and the butterflies in her stomach, as time passes.

Eva is behind the door, and she’s still wearing yesterday’s clothes. She’s got huge bags under her eyes, but she looks a bit in a fever. Noora corrugates her eyebrows. “Did you even sleep tonight?” She whispers, mindful of not waking Eskild and whatever boy he brought home yesterday up. And also Linn, but Linn can sleep through a lot.

Eva has the decency to look bashful, and shrugs with feigned nonchalance. “Well, not really. I have to talk to you. Can we go to your room?”

Noora gestures towards her room, and then trails behind Eva wordlessly. She’s confused, and she really doesn’t understand the need of a meeting on Saturday morning of all times. She closes the door behind her and throws herself on her bed and closes her eyes. “Shoot.”

She’s almost lulled back to sleep by Eva’s heavy breathing, but she’s not silent enough to actually make her doze off. “Okay, so. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. For. Disappearing, and all.”

Noora’s lips turn into a half smile. “It’s okay. Isak needed you. I understand.”

“Yes but… It wasn’t really the reason why I disappeared.” Noora can hear the hesitation in Eva’s voice, and chooses not to speak. There’s a voice in the back of her mind that’s been bugging her, and she tries not to listen to it. She hums non-committally, and waits.

“I mean, Isak needed me, and mostly he needed Jonas, but he was grateful. He’s doing better these days. But I kind of… used him. So I could think.”

Noora hums again. The air in the room feels charged a bit, and she doesn’t know how to react to the situation. She takes advantage of the fact that she’s half buried under the covers, and fists the fabric of her pyjama pants, trying to stay calm.

“And I mean, I—I really had to think a lot. About me, and about—about you, and about the conversation we had last week.” Eva’s voice breaks on the last sentence, and Noora’s breath turns shallow.

This could end very well, or very bad, Paula _docet_. And Noora doesn’t dare to hope, not really.

“And I—when you said you felt those things kissing girls, I—” Eva pauses, takes a deep breath. “Wow, this is difficult to say. You were fucking brave.”

Noora hears Eva take another deep breath. “I like girls. There. I said it. I like kissing girls and I like girls. And boys too. But also girls.” She laughs a bit, disbelievingly. “I like _girls_ ,” she repeat, almost in awe. “And this was the first time I said it out loud.”

It’s then that Noora tries to speak, and when she does, her voice is trembling. “I had more—more time to get used to it. I'm not brave or anything.”

She opens her eyes, and Eva is there, looking at her unwavering, biting her lower lip. Noora thinks she could cry. “I’m proud of you for saying that. Eva. I’m proud of you for coming out.”

Eva smiles, but it’s not a real smile. It’s tremulous, and she shakes her head. “I’m not finished. I still—I have to tell you something. Please listen to me, and then you can speak when I’m finished.”

Noora purses her lips and nods. Eva looks terrified, perched on the angle of the bed, torturing her hands in anxiety. Noora wants to hug her, to tell her it’s okay, but she doesn’t know if she’s able to do it. She feels like her whole body is in a shocked daze, and she feels really out of her depth.

“I like girls,” Eva repeats, and then she searches Noora’s eyes. “I do. But there’s something more important than that. Someone more important than that.”

Noora wants to look away, but she doesn’t want Eva to think she’s a coward.

“I like girls. And I like _a girl_ , Noora.”

Noora can’t speak, can’t even fucking _breathe—_

“Would you please look at me, Noora?”

Noora didn’t even realise she closed her eyes. She opens them again and looks at Eva. Eva steadies herself.

“I like you. I really like you.”

All the air leaves Noora’s lungs in a whoosh. She looks at Eva in awe, unable to move, for a couple of seconds, and then she can’t do anything else than throwing herself at Eva, at least to hug her and show her she’s not angry, god forbid.

“… I appreciate the intent, but that was bad thinking on your part,” says Eva massaging her shoulder after they both tumbled on the ground thanks to the momentum of the push. Noora smiles sheepishly, but doesn’t move from where she’s holding onto Eva.

“I like you too,” she whispers on the skin just under her ear, and she feels her shivering lightly. “I’ve liked you since the first moment I saw you.”

When Eva looks at Noora, her smile is sunny and her eyes almost disappear into her cheeks. “I was really scared to tell you, if only I’d known.”

Noora shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I was scared too. You’re amazing.”

Eva’s smile widens, and her expression is so soft that Noora almost can’t look at it. “Can I kiss you now?”

Noora presses their lips together in response, and it’s not like fireworks, not like the fairy tales describe it, but that makes it all the more amazing because it’s real. She allows herself to get lost into the feeling of Eva’s full lips, and the velvety touch of her tongue. Something warm and fuzzy settles on her stomach, and the kiss might not be like fireworks, but it surely feels like coming home.

They kiss for a bit on the floor, then Eva starts complaining about her back, so Noora takes her by the hand and helps her out of her clothes. Eva has a content smile and is already dozing off by the time Noora tucks her into bed, but demands a goodnight kiss all the same. Even if it’s well into the morning.

Noora wraps herself around her, and has to stop herself from screaming in Eva’s ear. She’s allowed to wrap herself around Eva now. And she’s allowed to do that in a non-platonic way! Eva likes her! Eva _likes_ her! Eva kisses her! Holy fucking shit!

She’s too excited to sleep for a bit, but she dozes off all the same, her nose buried in Eva’s neck, and a smile on her lips.

 

Lørdag, 13:31

“I had a friend in Madrid,” Noora starts, her lips pressed on Eva’s temple because she doesn’t want to let go ever again. “I had a friend who was actually my flatmates’ friend. Her name was Paula.”

Eva is still half asleep, but she nods to signal she’s listening. She has her hand under Noora shirt, caressing her stomach, and it feels really intimate and a bit scary, but Noora can do that. “She was… really beautiful. I thought she was perfect, older than me and so sure of herself. She was a uni student, and she kind of took me under her wings, like Alejandra and María did. I had the biggest crush on her.”

She can see Eva making a face out of the corner of her eye, and she presses a lazy kiss on her temple. Eva’s hair are a bit ruffled from her night and their morning, she’ll braid them lately, if Eva lets her. “Long story short she discovered it, and outed me in front of all the people I knew. And made fun of me. I packed my shit overnight, and booked a last-minute flight to Oslo. Stayed in a hotel for a week while I was looking for a room.”

“What a fucking bitch,” is Eva’s comment, and Noora chuckles and swats her arm.

“That’s a gendered slur, Eva. Anyway,” she says after a pause, “that’s basically why I was so scared of coming out to you and telling you about my feelings. I haven’t exactly had the best of experiences in my love life.”

Eva turns towards Noora, and kisses her chin in a poorly executed attempt to kiss her properly. She then proceeds to grumble till Noora decides to press a kiss on her lips. She’s so endeared, she doesn’t know what to do.

“So, is that why you didn’t talk to your flatmates at all? Do you talk now?”

“Yeah, we actually do. And they don’t hate me in the end. They agreed that the fault was on Paula.” Noora smiles a bit. “They’re actually coming here for New Year, maybe you can meet them?”

Eva smiles really big, and mutters “Of course, Nooramor.” Noora is too giddy to respond to her kisses for a while.

“Noora, you can’t believe what—the… fuck.” Eskild barges into Noora’s room and she normally wouldn’t mind, she _really wouldn’t_ , but right now she just wants to keep kissing Eva and being in bed.

And yet, Eskild didn’t go away, he seems frozen on the threshold, and he has a vaguely amused expression on his face. “Yes, Eskild?” Noora feigns a smile, hoping he gets the hint.

Eskild has the decency of looking a bit embarrassed, but he still doesn’t go away. “I wanted to tell you about a couple of things about the refugee situation, but… Hi Eva, how are you?”

Eva smiles, amused. “I could do with a cup of coffee, probably.”

Noora looks up to the sky. Okay, mood ruined, message received. “Eskild, I’m gonna barge in when you have someone over and give him points on how to suck cock next time. Wait and see.”

Eskild and Eva laugh loudly, and then Eskild retreats. “I’m making coffee for you two, I’m sorry!”

“I’m still going to give the guy pointers next time,” Noora mutters, and Eva laughs and steals a kiss. Because that’s something that’s allowed now. Wow.

 

Lørdag, 16:17

_Message from +4732057960077: you’re not answering :(_

_Message from +4732057960077: how can we set up a date if you’re not answering? :(_

_Message from +4732057960077: answer?_

“Is this William’s number?” Eva asks, when Noora shows her the phone screen.

“I guess so? He’s been texting me a lot, and the fucker can’t take a hint. He even sees that I visualise the messages without answering.” Noora shrugs and makes an unimpressed face. “Way to go, I guess.”

Eva laughs and kisses her. “Well, poor fucker doesn’t get to do that anyway.”

 

Mandag, 13:39

“I do think that Justin Bieber has that… how do you say it… _je ne sais quoi_ that makes him so much charming.” Eva is looking at her teasingly, and Noora elbows her maybe harder than she should have.

“It was our secret! Don’t tell anyone about it!” Eva just smirks and leans in a bit to wipe Noora’s lipstick. They’ve decided to keep it private for a bit, because Eva is still nor sure where she stands, and she needs time to get used to it. Noora understands it, really. It took her so much time to come out to the others, she can wait for Eva.

And besides, it’s not like Eva is forcing her to be in the closet. And Noora is planning to be Really Obviously Queer from now on.

“Ah, Vilde told me to tell you we’re going to the Christmas tree lighting this Friday, because apparently all the school will be there and we still need to work on our popularity as a russ group.” Eva is smiling when she says it, and Noora laughs genuinely.

“You do know I joined the russ group only because I wanted an excuse to hang out with you?” She smiles at Eva’s blush, and her smile widens when Eva takes her hand intertwining their fingers.

Their hands fits perfectly one in another, but Noora is not about to get sappy, no siree.

“You didn’t answer to my messages.” William has creeped up in front of them someway, and now it’s standing there, with his omnipresent creepy smile which seems to be the only expression he wears in Noora’s precence.

She feigns a smile. “I was out of power,” she says looking at him in the eyes, knowing perfectly he knows she’s lying. “For two weeks straight.”

“You think I’m going to give up?” Asks William, a bit mocking. Noora looks up to the sky. Boy, does she wish that.

“Well, Wilhelm. Surely doesn’t hurt to try, does it?” Noora can hear Eva trying to choke herself over laughing, probably, and allows herself a tiny real smile.

“Listen, Noora Amalie Sætre. If you think your façade is going to make me stop, you’re sorely mistaken. If you really want to make me stop, just go on a date with me.” _Façade_? Noora snorts derisively.

“Listen, Wilhelm whatever. If you think I’m putting up a hard to get façade just for...” she pauses a bit, looks him up and down. “ _you_ , then you’re sorely mistaken. Shoo.” She makes the gestures with her hands to drive her point better, and then takes Eva’s hand and shoulders past William, still immobile in the middle of the corridor. Eva is still dying of laughters.

“He surely doesn’t know what a hint is, though, does he?”

Noora smiles, derisive. “He’s too used to people throwing themselves at his feet to understand when someone genuinely means no.” Besides, she has Eva.

 

Onsdag, 11:40

“Oh, I don’t know, Noora. You never talk about your love life,” Vilde is smiling inquisitive at her. “Are you hiding a sweet someone from us? A cute girlfriend, maybe?”

Noora snorts unattractively, and ends up choking on her salad. Even Sana is laughing, and Vilde looks a bit offended. “Are you laughing because I asked if she’s a lesbian? There is no shame in being a lesbian!” She looks really serious, and Noora thinks that maybe it’s time to slip one of her books into Vilde’s bag. Maybe she’ll read it.

Meanwhile, though, “No, absolutely, there is no shame, Vilde. But I am not, in fact, a lesbian.” She raises her eyebrows, and a look at Eva and Sana confirms what does she want to do. “I do like girls, though. Just not exclusively. I’m queer.”

Vilde’s eyes become round like two plates, and she starts smiling triumphantly. “But, Noora! I knew it! That’s amazing!” Noora smiles at her, and watches her eating the salad Noora made.

“That’s so sick though, and here I thought you were just a private person.” Chris is looking at her with half a smile, and Noora is tempted to throw food at her in retaliation. That would results in a food fight she’s not ready to undergo, though, since Sana is always on Chris’ side in those things. Better not.

“I _am_ also a private person. One doesn’t exclude the other,” she says raising an eyebrow and smirking back.

“So,” says Vilde, dragging out the _o_ , “any girlfriend you’re not talking about with us?”

Noora laughs abashedly and blushes, lowering her gaze. It’s not like she can tell the girls, if Eva doesn’t want.

“Actually...” Eva’s voice makes the table go eerily silent. Noora whips her head towards Eva, her eyes wide. “Actually she does.”

Eva looks a bit scared but her posture is secure and her back is straight. Noora instinctively takes her hand and squeezes it hard, feeling that Eva needs it in this moment.

“But we’re—we’re not out yet, so...” Eva trails off and gestures vaguely with the hand not holding Noora.

After another moment of silence, the girls _explode_. Vilde yells _oh my god, that’s so beautiful!_ , and Chris goes _you fuckers, since when?_ , and even Sana laughs and says _I knew it_. They proceed to bury Eva and Noora in a group hug, and they don’t let go till the lunch break is over and they need to go to class.

Noora has never felt better in her whole life.

 

Torsdag, 19:30

_Message from Eva Mohn: u know what_

_Message from Eva Mohn: I thought about it_

_Message from Eva Mohn: i’m bi okay???_

_Message from Eva Mohn: and why tf should we hide our relationship?_

_Message from Eva Mohn: I want to tell everybody how cute my girlfriend is <3_

_Message from Eva Mohn: g i r l f r i e n d <3_

 

Fredag, 17:51

“I think I want to tell Jonas first, though,” Eva says, and then she disappears with him, leaving Noora alone with Isak.

Isak offers her a glass of mulled apple juice, because they’re on school grounds, and they can’t very well take alcohol to parties. Noora accepts with a smile. “How is it going, Isak?”

Isak shrugs, his gaze afar and a bit empty. “I don’t know what Eva told you, but it’s—it’s going. I wish it was going better.”

Noora nods. “She didn’t tell me anything, not really. But,” she hesitates. “If I can do anything for you, just ask.”

Isak smiles, and Noora knows he won’t ask, but she also knows that if she was in him, she would appreciate the thought. “Thanks, you’re a cool person.”

After that there’s a bit of an awkward silence, because it’s the first time they’re left alone and can speak, and besides pleasantries they never told each other anything else. Noora looks around, searching the others, but she can’t see them anywhere. She looks for her phone, but it’s lying dead in her purse. Oh, well.

“Isak, can you lend me your phone? Mine’s dead and I can’t find Vilde.” Isak nods, and fishes for his phone in his pocket, giving it to her without another thought.

Noora unlocks it, and at first she can’t understand what she’s seeing, but then she sees horror descending on Isak’s face and she _gets_ it.

 _Young twinks enjoy fooling around together_.

Uh.

“It’s not—it’s—” Isak sputters a bit, clearly at loss for words, and starts turning redder and redder. Noora is panicking.

“Eva and I are together. That’s what she had to tell Jonas.” Isak closes his mouth with an almost audible _clack_ , and looks at her, stunned. She keeps going. “And I was scared to tell her because before that a crush I had disgraced me in front of every single person I knew because she was a fucking homophobe.”  
Isak just blinks at her, but his blush is going down. “But anyway, I knew I was queer since I was 13 and I liked kissing both boys and girls, and even if it was difficult to come to terms with that, I’m here now.”

“Uh...” says Isak. “But I’m not—”

She waves her hands in front of him, impatiently. “Of course you’re not. But even if you were, or even if one of your _friends_ were, I’m just saying that people like me survive a lot of shit.” She smiles, a bit unsure of where she’s going with that. “With a little help from some friends, maybe. _I get by_...” She sings, and Isak chuckles, slightly mocking.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” But he doesn’t look tense any more. “Just don’t tell anyone, okay? About the—”

“It will be our little secret.” Noora winks and turns towards Eva, coming back with a smiling Jonas in tow. “Hi babe.”

Eva smiles big, and cuddles up to her. Jonas, behind her, smiles at Noora. “I’m happy for you two, really.”

Noora smiles. “Thank you man. You should come around mine sometimes, meet Eskild to talk about politics.”

Jonas laughs and nods, and Noora squeezes Eva, who looks like she’s exploding from happiness. They’re in a privileged position to see the tree, which also means that people can see them easily if they want. “Are you ready?” she whispers to Eva, and Eva nods.

They kiss in the moment the lights turn on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fredag 8 Januar 2016, 20:01

_Message from Isak Valtersen: hei, noora?_

_Message from Isak Valtersen: abt wht u said last time we talked?_

_Message from Isak Valtersen: I might need tht somthing nw._

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked it then I'm on [tumblr](http://cosenoditea.tumblr.com)! Or, maybe consider reblogging the text post for the fic, [here](http://cosenoditea.tumblr.com/post/156761693456/feet-on-the-ground-our-head-in-the-stars-by-stria).
> 
> The book Noora is reading in the first coming out scene is [Constructions of Female Homoeroticism in Early Modern Drama](https://books.google.it/books?id=pvnFAAAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&hl=it#v=onepage&q&f=false), if someone's interested.
> 
> Also there are two songs from JB in there, the first one is [Love Yourself](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyEuk8j8imI), which is basically the only JB song I genuinely like (it was written by Ed Sheeran apparently, so, I mean), the other one is Baby, which I'm not even going to link because I'm sure everyone knows it.  
> There is also a third song, and it's [Youth](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYAghEq5Lfw), by Troye Sivan. I love him and he's soft and amazing.
> 
> As for the Spanish, in order:  
> "hi María! i just wanted to tell you"  
> "hi María! thanks for the call, i'm sorry that"  
> "hi María! i couldn't answer because"  
> "hi María! sorry i was at a party!"  
> "María, i'm sorry about not answering, and i'm sorry about my sudden departure. i know i have some explanation to give. i'd like to skype some day, maybe with Alejandra too. if you want and don't hate me"  
> "Noora, dear, we do not hate you and we never could. We definitely need to talk, if you’re free for a skype session tomorrow night that would be great. We love you lots and lots. María & Ale."  
> "Dear, long time no see!"


End file.
